Confessions Of A Compulsive Pastor

April 7, 2016 | by | For Pastors, Leadership, Personal

I’ve been in recovery for a while now… Not from drugs. No, I’m a recovering compulsive pastor. Compulsiveness is the irresistible need to set the agenda and to be in control. I’m not alone, there’s a lot of us out there. You just can’t spot us that easy because we blend in so well into a church culture that admires leaders that are winners. Assertive pastors of action that keep busy compiling to-do lists, solving problems, and getting things done. Little did you know that much of my commendable drive and busyness was fueled by compulsiveness.

My world is wordy, noisy, and hectic. The demands of family life, ministry responsibilities, and decision-making are constantly shouting at me. When I do manage to calm myself down I’d be ambushed by concerns and anxiety. A bunch of “should’s”, “have-to’s”, “ought-to’s”, and “right-now’s”, that made me anxious and restless. Stirring-up uncomfortable and sometimes scary feelings I didn’t want to feel. That’s when the compulsive urge to get busy and do something to stop those feelings would kick in.

On most days I was able to maintain. But then there were days – particularly Mondays following what I considered a less than prize-winning Sunday – when I would be overcome with feelings of discouragement, incompetence, failure and envy triggering thoughts like, “What a disappointment I must be to God”. Of course I was ashamed for feeling this way. What if anybody found out… I kept it as my dirty little secret. And then there was the temptation to quit and run away that seemed to always be there. That’s when my frenetic urge to get busy and do something to right the ship and get back in control, would really get the best of me. Schedule more meetings, set some goals, brain storm new ideas, create a committee, start a new and improved program, work harder, motivate and mobilize, find that magic pill for success. Frustrating… exhausting…

I knew of course that somehow God was behind this struggle. That he wanted me to wake up and stop it. That he was inviting me into a way of living I knew nothing about. To step into the unknown… the unknown of letting go of my addiction to control. Scary stuff! Still is. What’s on the other side? What will happen? Who will I be? What will I find out? What will I face? Who will I face? I knew I was being called to take the risky and uncertain plunge into what someone called the “leap of faith into the free-fall that is intimacy.” Into vulnerability and naked trust. It felt like I was being asked to die. God help!!!

“Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by compulsiveness?  Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ.”

More to come…

I’ve been in recovery for a while now… Not from drugs. No, I’m a recovering compulsive pastor. Compulsiveness is the irresistible need to set the agenda and to be in control. I’m not alone, there’s a lot of us out there. You just can’t spot us that easy because we blend in so well into a church culture that admires leaders that are winners. Assertive pastors of action that keep busy compiling to-do lists, solving problems, and getting things done. Little did you know that much of my commendable drive and busyness was fueled by compulsiveness.

My world is wordy, noisy, and hectic. The demands of family life, ministry responsibilities, and decision-making are constantly shouting at me. When I do manage to calm myself down I’d be ambushed by concerns and anxiety. A bunch of “should’s”, “have-to’s”, “ought-to’s”, and “right-now’s”, that made me anxious and restless. Stirring-up uncomfortable and sometimes scary feelings I didn’t want to feel. That’s when the compulsive urge to get busy and do something to stop those feelings would kick in.

On most days I was able to maintain. But then there were days – particularly Mondays following what I considered a less than prize-winning Sunday – when I would be overcome with feelings of discouragement, incompetence, failure and envy triggering thoughts like, “What a disappointment I must be to God”. Of course I was ashamed for feeling this way. What if anybody found out… I kept it as my dirty little secret. And then there was the temptation to quit and run away that seemed to always be there. That’s when my frenetic urge to get busy and do something to right the ship and get back in control, would really get the best of me. Schedule more meetings, set some goals, brain storm new ideas, create a committee, start a new and improved program, work harder, motivate and mobilize, find that magic pill for success. Frustrating… exhausting…

I knew of course that somehow God was behind this struggle. That he wanted me to wake up and stop it. That he was inviting me into a way of living I knew nothing about. To step into the unknown… the unknown of letting go of my addiction to control. Scary stuff! Still is. What’s on the other side? What will happen? Who will I be? What will I find out? What will I face? Who will I face? I knew I was being called to take the risky and uncertain plunge into what someone called the “leap of faith into the free-fall that is intimacy.” Into vulnerability and naked trust. It felt like I was being asked to die. God help!!!

“Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by compulsiveness?  Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ.”

More to come…